It is my sad duty to report that the Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, Baby Ruth, and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.